Nothing is True, and That is the Greatest Lie of All.
I think it’s time I take a good hard look at myself. Perhaps I am paranoid and judgmental of other people. Perhaps I am too keen to push away when I feel like I am threatened. Perhaps I have a very short fuse and get angry way too easily. When did this happen? I used to be the eternal optimist about the future. I would look at the current situation and be real about it yes but when I thought of the future it was a bright myriad of possibility and potential. When did I become this combination of Odo and Gul Dukat (Thought I would throw in a DS9 reference there.)?
I know when…
After 2 years with Mark and realizing that what I felt when I was 20 was my fairy tale prince was a deaf hobbit that I couldn’t stand being around. It was a large amount of cold water in my face and I work up to the reality that wanting a relationship to work was not the be all end all of a relationship working. There had to be something there that I value and something that I could trust.
I value Cole….as much as I really want to blow this off as a stupid thing and not take a look within myself, I have to. Cole I think I really valued as a human being and possibly had romantic love for. Well no matter if what I thought was true was true or not, I screwed that up and didn’t give a chance to prove anyone right about anything. Maybe it could have continued and gone on for a long while and perhaps not. We’ll never really know because I went out of my way to be spiteful and hateful when I should have calmly explained myself and talked it out as any sane person would do. Then again I am not sane, I think though this is common knowledge and people have learned how to deal with it. I have I think.
Perhaps this reflection and my apologies for being so hateful will mean nothing. Perhaps it will change nothing, but at least something hit me hard enough that I can actually take a look into myself and realize that i don’t care for what I see right now. Not that this is the first time I have done so but maybe this time it will stick.
Then again…
I think there is a part of me that really likes this back and forth, this rage and repentance cycle. It is a roller coaster ride that is better and cheaper than any drug on the market (with the exception of Acid). It helps and hurts me and continues on my lifetime cycle of being a villain who repents and then resumes his villainous activities down the line. I like being Gul Dukat. I like helping Major Kira and then betraying the Federation and joining the Dominion. It’s a thrill, especially when you know that it will end with you being wrestled into a chasm of fire and destroyed! It’s sexy and it’s hot!
So YES! I might learn something from all this but then again I might not and repeat the cycle over and over again! Because you and I on the same side Major? It never felt right. I like being the villain because it is necessary!
Bring it on all you Sisko’s out there! I got a date with you in the Fire Caves and I don’t want to be late!
