History Repeating.
Ok…it’s only been a couple of weeks since Cole and I started dating again. We dated once before and it turned out poorly but we’ve done more together and generally been closer so far. We had a night at the Atlantis Casino in a hotel room and had fun both inside and outside the hotel room. We’ve had more positive conversations and I’d like to feel things are different. But I still feel like there is something that he really isn’t telling me. Not so much that he is per se being deceptive, but I feel that there is something that isn’t quite right. Perhaps I am a bit paranoid and haven’t been very trusting of people since the whole “A.J.” incident* but unless he either comes out with something or I learn that I need to just let things flow how they do I feel like there is this thin wall between him and I.
Maybe it is all in my head and I’m just over thinking things. It wouldn’t be the first time. I have a strong tendency to see a dagger and a conspiracy at every turn. The problem is that 1/4 of the time I am right! There is something going on and nobody is telling me anything! Then the other 3/4 of the time I am just making stuff out of nothing and it’s killing both my internal feelings and my outside relationships!
On top of it all it’s winter, where I am my most moody and skeptical. The cold and the general emotions I pick up off of people make me depressed, crazy and hard to interact with! This is nothing new. I took a look at my friend Arthur’s blog** from December and January of 2007/2008 and it makes me out of be a psychopath, which look at the situation is entirely accurate. Then I look a the spring summer and fall ones from 2008 and I am one of the more amazing and fun people he has interacted with! Winter makes me crazy!
All of this really wouldn’t matter at all except for the fact that I honestly think that Cole is someone I am compatible with. I really like him not only sexually but socially and emotionally. So I either need to be proven right or get over my hangups. So here is me writing my feelings into this electronic vacuum read only by the ones I feel need to know and the random passerby.
And I’ve seen it before.
* A.J. was an ex of mine from a year and a half ago approx. that stole 80 dollars from me, most like to by the crack he started doing a couple of months into our relationship. Don’t steal from me kids.
** www.retroviral.net
