Really Rich Italian Satanists

The past seems to come back and when it does I am the gateway to some of the more interesting interactions I’ve had in awhile.  After the Cole thing I needed someone to call and vent to. I ended up calling Kevin* and he invited me over to vent. Well I vented a lot and after a very heartfelt vent him and I ended up in bed together. The sex with Kevin is great honestly, very interactive and full of making out. Since then we have been talking again, we are leaving it up in the air but we are both in agreement that we keep ending up in a situation where we are sleeping with each other and will explore the options that can go with that. Each time him and I have broken up it hasn’t been a big drama filled thing, it was more just a fall apart failure to launch type thing.

Side note: I have ceased using tags in my blog. Honestly I am not sure the point behind them in this instance since I am not providing any information that people would necessarily want to search out. (Except for maybe the Steve Elegant tags). Either way no more tags for you.

As of this week a back and forth myspace email conversation has taken place between me and Mike (for those of you who don’t know Mike is the current boyfriend of my deaf hobbit ex Mark) the conversation has been vague and the reasoning to why he would speak to me after the bad blood between me and Mark (and even the slightly awkward blood between me and Mike himself) is beyond my scope of influence. It is perhaps a random thing or perhaps I have come along at an interesting time. He keeps mentioning change and “Great Leap Forward”, perhaps he has come to some of the same realizations that I had so long ago in regards to both Mark and life in general. Perhaps it is a desire to clean his slate. Perhaps “It’s a Trap!” however there are very few handholds left on the road into my brain and heart (soul?) so this course of action would be very poorly planned if the Deathstar is actually operational.   Right now I watch with bemused interest as to how this scenario will unfold as I am not directly involved in the play that might or might not unfold at this point.

Regarding Work: Faggots are silly creatures especially when they get booze in them. I lose my patience with them in very short order. They are at the point where they are trying to figure out my limits on how far they can push me and the rules. They are learning though I don’t put up with much and I won’t hesitate to remove them if they push too far. Sometimes I wish life was more like TRON. If someone pushes me in real life I would love to be able to banish them into the game grid.
Finally: My only real concern is that no new connections are being formed by me and other people these days. The list of people who have entered my life in any form and remained for more than a month or two has dried up. A lot of old connections get reformed but they are predictable. Not that it’s a bad thing in some cases but in all honesty I would like to form at least 1 new connection this year. We shall see.

End of Line

I think it’s time I take a good hard look at myself. Perhaps I am paranoid and judgmental of other people. Perhaps I am too keen to push away when I feel like I am threatened. Perhaps I have a very short fuse and get angry way too easily. When did this happen? I used to be the eternal optimist about the future.  I would look at the current situation and be real about it yes but when I thought of the future it was a bright myriad of possibility and potential. When did I become this combination of Odo and Gul Dukat (Thought I would throw in a DS9 reference there.)?

I know when…

After 2 years with Mark and realizing that what I felt when I was 20 was my fairy tale prince was a deaf hobbit that I couldn’t stand being around. It was a large amount of cold water in my face and I work up to the reality that wanting a relationship to work was not the be all end all of a relationship working. There had to be something there that I value and something that I could trust.

I value Cole….as much as I really want to blow this off as a stupid thing and not take a look within myself, I have to. Cole I think I really valued as a human being and possibly had romantic love for. Well no matter if what I thought was true was true or not, I screwed that up and didn’t give a chance to prove anyone right about anything. Maybe it could have continued and gone on for a long while and perhaps not. We’ll never really know because I went out of my way to be spiteful and hateful when I should have calmly explained myself and talked it out as any sane person would do. Then again I am not sane, I think though this is common knowledge and people have learned how to deal with it. I have I think.

Perhaps this reflection and my apologies for being so hateful will mean nothing. Perhaps it will change nothing, but at least something hit me hard enough that I can actually take a look into myself and realize that i don’t care for what I see right now. Not that this is the first time I have done so but maybe this time it will stick.

Then again…

I think there is a part of me that really likes this back and forth, this rage and repentance cycle. It is a roller coaster ride that is better and cheaper than any drug on the market (with the exception of Acid). It helps and hurts me and continues on my lifetime cycle of being a villain who repents and then resumes his villainous activities down the line. I like being Gul Dukat. I like helping Major Kira and then betraying the Federation and joining the Dominion. It’s a thrill, especially when you know that it will end with you being wrestled into a chasm of fire and destroyed! It’s sexy and it’s hot!

So YES! I might learn something from all this but then again I might not and repeat the cycle over and over again! Because you and I on the same side Major? It never felt right. I like being the villain because it is necessary!

Bring it on all you Sisko’s out there! I got a date with you in the Fire Caves and I don’t want to be late!

Well, Cole was exactly the same as he was before. No surprises there. If you are going to attempt to insult my intelligence and play me, don’t use the same play twice. Also don’t make you “ex” boyfriend accessible to contact through whatever social network I happen to come across and finally don’t try to become angry and accusatory when I catch you. Ya I a pissed at this insult and he should be glad that he is as much of a recluse as my ex Mark because if he had a public life it would become very uncomfortable really fast. I am already sticking it to him in my own little way. No one retires from Phantom Limb’s Shit List!

I felt bad about this for about a moment, I was kind of sad then I realized that my emotional investment was minimal, the sex was mediocre and the only true shame of it was that he thinks that I am stupid enough to fall for the same trick twice. I have caused serious emotional damage to people for much much less.

So to Cole, if you ever come across this blog remember, No one retires.

Ok…it’s only been a couple of weeks since Cole and I started dating again. We dated once before and it turned out poorly but we’ve done more together and generally been closer so far. We had a night at the Atlantis Casino in a hotel room and had fun both inside and outside the hotel room. We’ve had more positive conversations and I’d like to feel things are different. But I still feel like there is something that he really isn’t telling me.  Not so much that he is per se being deceptive, but I feel that there is something that isn’t quite right.  Perhaps I am a bit paranoid and haven’t been very trusting of people since the whole “A.J.” incident* but unless he either comes out with something or I learn that I need to just let things flow how they do I feel like there is this thin wall between him and I.

Maybe it is all in my head and I’m just over thinking things. It wouldn’t be the first time. I have a strong tendency to see a dagger and a conspiracy at every turn. The problem is that 1/4 of the time I am right! There is something going on and nobody is telling me anything! Then the other 3/4 of the time I am just making stuff out of nothing and it’s killing both my internal feelings and my outside relationships!

On top of it all it’s winter, where I am my most moody and skeptical. The cold and the general emotions I pick up off of people make me depressed, crazy and hard to interact with! This is nothing new. I took a look at my friend Arthur’s blog** from December and January of 2007/2008 and it makes me out of be a psychopath, which look at the situation is entirely accurate. Then I look a the spring summer and fall ones from 2008 and I am one of the more amazing and fun people he has interacted with! Winter makes me crazy!

All of  this really wouldn’t matter at all except for the fact that I honestly think that Cole is someone I am compatible  with. I really like him not only sexually but socially and emotionally.  So I either need to be proven right or get over my hangups. So here is me writing my feelings into this electronic vacuum read only by the ones I feel need to know and the random passerby.

And I’ve seen it before.
* A.J. was an ex of mine from a year and a half ago approx. that stole 80 dollars from me, most like to by the crack he started doing a couple of months into our relationship. Don’t steal from me kids.

** www.retroviral.net

First off a Project Update:

Classified Items: Progress is currently Classified. Level 9-A and/or 9-B clearance is required to access these Progress Reports.

Niggers from Mars and all other music projects: Currently Steve Elegant and his computer are out of commission, due to video card issues so all projects are currently on hold until the filthy Muppet can get his shit together (ETA: 2525)

5 Star Projects: Currently progressing well. Should be up to modern time by mid-January.

Now for something completely different….

Currently I have been approached again by Cole. By accident mainly. He was in the 5 Star last night with a friend as I was working. We exchanged contact info again and started texting each other.  Then he came back to the bar a bit later and gave me my first kiss of the new year. Now lets set the wayback machine to about a year ago. Cole and I had started dating until I noticed that he stated on his myspace that he was dating another. I confronted him and he got angry and we parted ways, in a less than amicable way. Now again he returns with interest in dating. I will admit that the interest is there, however there is a lot of trust issues to repair. I will give him a chance but I am wary of anything that seems out of place. He states that he wasn’t dating and that it was a defense mechanism. I am not sure if I believe that but am willing to put it on the shelf. The 21 year old from Denmark may indeed redeem himself, especially with his willingness to keep things casual for now.

That puts the other 2 I have any interest in not necessarily on the chopping block. Ryan perhaps is the most likely to get cut down to just a social interaction, mainly due to the fact that he lives in Sacramento and I have no interest in living their again. Brandon is pretty much just a lunch date and fun social interaction at this point. Despite these two points however, I am not quite ready to say that they are set in stone as “just friends”, the world is a constant stream of possibility and I will not discount anything just because it seems improbable.

and now…..

New Years at 5 Star was crazy and successful. Much money was made and business was good. I am still drained from all of it though and defiantly have appreciated the slowness of last night. Security-wise we had little trouble this year despite the large numbers of people which I think is a good reflection on our clientele and their ability to behave themselves. It is unfortunate that the El Cortez cannot say the same….

Speaking of which…

I am done with the El Cortez. They completely have alienated the Karaoke crowd that comes down to sing and treats us like shit. So fuck them. I will not give them a positive recommendation to anyone again, in fact I will ensure that people who value my opinion avoid that shithole like the plague.  Tim if you are reading this I am sorry but I know you are in general agreement with me anyways so I hope this is not too big of a smack in the face.

So Happy New Year to all my social degenerates and madpeople. Let’s make this year the best/worst in history.

Imperialism NOW!